Why Alcohol and Legendaries Don't Mix
by Blazing Sceptile
Summary: 'Oh, wait. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night.' Humanized/Gijinka!Legendaries. Implied LatiosxLugia. Rated for random-and-possibly crude humor, heavily-implied adult themes, alcohol usage and swearing.


_A/N 1: ...let's just say the original idea for this got hijacked by a stray thought and developed into something new altogether._

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Pokemon. **

* * *

They shared many similarities.

Blue and white color schemes, part-Psychic-types, the title of 'Guardian', Legendary duties that essentially boiled down to them being nothing more than glorified security guards. Both were saddled with a fellow Legendary they sometimes wished they could do without; both were in constant contact with the ocean - he lived _near_ one, she lived _in_ one.

Yet they hardly knew each other, rarely crossed paths, rarely saw one another. Duty gave them a common purpose, but also kept them apart. He was one half of the Eon Duo, the Guardians of Alto Mare - she was the Guardian of the Seas, the Legend of the Whirl Islands. It wasn't just the geographical distance between Hoenn and Johto; their busy schedules and heavy workloads made any free time a luxury. He usually ended up keeping an eye on his sister, even during their free time, and although she often visited said sister, she hardly interacted with him. He was just the older brother in the background, she was just the tolerable best friend of his little sister.

They were similar in many ways, yet distinctly different in others. The only real danger she ever faced were the occasional Pokemon Trainer and the groups of hopelessly-incompetent grunts from Team Rocket sent to capture her, all easily dealt with with an Aeroblast and a slap of one massive wing. He, meanwhile, had nearly lost his life on several occasions - came within an inch of death once, even; he understood that while violence and brute force wasn't always _the_ answer, it was _an_ answer. She saw violence as the last resort; he took on the role of '_bad cop_' at times, used force and intimidation, all for the greater good.

And then there was the gender issue, the most glaringly obvious difference of them all - and also the one that fuelled a couple of low-key rumors about them being a couple.

They were perfect for each other, others said. Now all they had to do was _find_ one another.

* * *

If not for the fact that the bi-annual Legendary Council Meetings (also known informally as '_party time!_') were compulsory, Latios doubted anyone would show up.

Sure, it was a time to have fun, to relax, to catch up with old friends and make new ones. A time where all the Legendaries could just be _normal_, without having to worry about maintaining the balance of the universe - after the customary day-long 'State of the World' meeting, of course. It was also probably meant for 'bonding' and whatnot; after all, the last thing that Arceus wanted was for the Legendaries to go down the road paved by Groudon and Kyogre.

_Poor Rayquaza,_ the male Eon thought, _you pretty much exist solely to be a mediator. _

He sighed, glancing around the near-unrecognizable Hall of Origin. Arceus must've been in a pretty boisterous mood; the room resembled one of thosestructures the humans called a _pub _or a _bar_, complete with tables, chairs and alcoholic drinks. _Organized chaos _would probably be a good descriptor of the current situation - while tables and chairs weren't flying and insults were still good-natured, it was as clear as day that most, if not _all_ of the Legendaries had been touched by the alcohol.

It was calming, sure, but too much of it was counterproductive.

"Latios."

The blue Eon turned at the mention of his name, glancing over his shoulder. All of the Legendaries had adopted what was known to them as their _humanized _forms - forms that resembled a human in size but still maintaining some of the traits of their actual bodies. The technique saw more use by the Eons than any other Legend; his sister used it to 'go out and have fun', while he used it to keep an eye on her. He'd had to intervene in situations more than once - often simply dragging her away, but occasionally giving a human a solid punch to the jaw.

Fortunately, the blue-haired female that had just walked up to him didn't need punching.

"Lugia." Though he usually kept to himself, rarely speaking or interacting with the other Legendaries, he was on somewhat-good terms with the Johto sea guardian. She no longer towered over him like she did in her natural form; rather, they were almost level in height. Her features were avian-like; her dark blue hair resembled the plumage of a great bird, the strands stretching to just past her shoulder blades. She crossed her arms across her chest, eying the half-full glass in his right hand with narrowed black eyes. He gestured to the seat next to him; she promptly settled into the chair, wordlessly accepting his invitation.

"How're the Whirl Islands?"

"A little dull, a little gloomy, and full of water or irritating Trainers," she muttered in reply, her speech slightly slurred. She raised a hand; a light blue glow enveloped her palm -

"_Fuck _it!" The female hissed over a _crash_, the sound barely audible above the din the Legendaries were making. Latios merely gestured towards another bottle; this time, it hovered over to her without incident, outlined in a deeper shade of blue. A wave of his arm swept the mess from earlier under the rug - literally; Arceus could deal with the cleaning later.

"You sure you can still drink?" He asked, raising an eyebrow - Lugia's control over her psychic powers was normally sublime. Retrieving something psionically was usually as easy as breathing for her; then again, alcohol often wreaked havoc with one's concentration.

"Won't kill me." She waved his concerns away. "How's sunny Hoenn?"

"Fine. Alto Mare's grown more popular as a tourist hotspot," he replied, downing the remaining liquid in his glass. She extended her now-open bottle to him; he nodded his thanks as she refilled his glass. "Have to keep dragging Latias out of trouble. She keeps complaining that I use_ excessive force_. It's not like the humans are Rayquaza - I can't Ice Beam them for hitting on my sister, so I make do."

"Overprotective big brother syndrome," she remarked with a smirk. "It's no wonder you're popular among the girls - it's adorable."

"...excuse me?"

"You heard me," she took another long pull from her bottle, then giggled like a schoolgirl who'd just seen her idol. "You're really attractive."

_Great, _he thought, _she's clearly drunk_.

"I mean, come on, look at that body. Those arms, and that _ass_," she murmured, resting a hand on his left arm. A shock ran through his body - it felt as if the limb had been set on fire. It was oddly... _nice_, however; he couldn't bring himself to tug his hand away. "You're a walking chick magnet - how is it you're still a virgin?"

_...the fuck?_

"I heard all about it from your sister," the Johto Legendary continued. "She says you're always so uptight, on duty all the time - never bothered getting a girl."

"Lugia-"

"Shh." She silenced him mid-sentence with a finger to his lips. He hadn't noticed just how _close_ she was; she was practically in his lap now, her forehead pressed to his, her lips inches away from his own. He could feel her warm breath caressing his skin with every word that slipped from a loosened tongue - feel the heat rising to his cheeks as she tucked a strand of his azure hair behind his ear. "You really are completely new to this."

"...wel-"

All rational thought abruptly fled his mind as her lips crashed against his.

It was as if a switch had been thrown inside his brain; just like the human female known as _Sleeping Beauty_, something within him had been awakened by the kiss. Perhaps he'd been drinking much more than he'd noticed, perhaps he'd been suppressing the hormones that occasionally raged through his body a little too hard -

Who the fuck cared.

He pulled the other Legendary down, their bodies melding together as his arms went around her waist and back. She let out a murr of surprise at the sudden shift, a sound that he _felt _through her lips rather than heard, a sound that nearly drove him wild. Her hands slipped beneath his shirt, running across his chest; his right hand became entangled in her hair even as he held her closer to him.

"Damn," she muttered a full two and a half minutes later, when the need for air had finally become too great. "_That_ was your first time?"

"Haah... y-yeah..." Latios groaned, nervously glancing about; fortunately, nobody else seemed to be taking notice. He shuddered slightly as the fingers under his shirt twitched - this was all so new to him. It was as if he was watching someone else take control of his body, manipulating his actions and reactions like a string puppet; even deciding what he'd say in response. "C-can we... go - ah, elsewhere?"

She giggled, her flushed face an outward sign of her drunkenness and desire. "Anything you want," she cooed, stroking his cheek.

He gently nudged her off his lap, ignoring the sudden sense of loss that filled him when the warmth of her body faded from his consciousness, and got to his feet. The room swayed - no, _he _swayed, and barely caught himself before he stumbled over the table.

"You're a bloody featherweight," Lugia remarked. "Not even two glasses?"

The male Eon shook his head; either he'd really lost track of the amount of alcohol he'd consumed, or his tolerance for the liquid courage was horrible. Not bothering to reply, he simply took her hand, moving in the direction of the exit. The trip back to his room - or hers, he didn't know - was a blur; he only remembered a lot of stumbling, quite a fair bit of kissing and a few incidents of hands wandering to places they normally wouldn't go to.

"Are you sure about this?" He'd been jerked back into reality by that statement, a brief moment of lucidity in his drunken haze. Belatedly he noticed clothes strewn all over the room; he was down to nothing more than a pair of briefs, while Lugia was left in nothing but her undergarments. "You're fucking hot and all, but still..."

"...I guess it's fine..." He mumbled, still overwhelmed by the whole experience. The new feelings, the oddly pleasant - and almost _addictive_ - sensations, the way the alcohol just made everything blur together like an extremely lucid dream -

"Trust me?" She asked, a steely gaze replacing her drunken expression.

He silently nodded. She exhaled, placing her hands on his hips.

"Don't worry. It's okay. I'll take care of you," she murmured, leaning in to kiss him again. "Just close your eyes."

He did.

* * *

Hangovers _sucked_.

It wasn't just the pain; it was the whole package. The skull-splitting agony that served as a personal alarm clock, the throbbing in his head that almost felt like he'd grown a second heart where his brain was supposed to be, the familiar feeling of fatigue in his limbs despite the fact that he was supposed to be rested and fresh -

Oh, wait. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night.

Latios groaned, massaging his temple with his thumbs as the events of the previous night began to come back to him. He'd heard stories of people doing stupid things under the influence of alcohol - heck, he'd seen archenemies _Groudon _and _Kyogre_ practically ravage each other like long-lost lovers in public once during a previous 'party'. He never imagined he'd be adding his name to the ever-growing list of 'Legendaries Who Did Something Stupid Courtesy of Alcohol', however.

_Fuck, I really did it. _A quick glance under the covers verified his thoughts. _I really slept with Lugia. _

Said Johto Legendary, however, was nowhere in sight - he felt a twinge of disappointment at the thought of waking up alone in bed. He'd done it a million times before, waking up alone in bed every day for as long as he could remember; Latias was fiercely independent, even as a child.

So why was it so _different _this time?

_I don't know, maybe because you've just _slept_ with someone, _a small voice piped up in his head; it promptly received a mental Draco Meteor as the blue-haired Eon pulled himself out of bed, stumbling towards the bathroom to freshen up. A hot shower seemed like the most appealing thing in the world right now - if that failed, he could always take a cold one afterwards.

He flung the door open and staggered into the bathroom - and right into a certain Johto Guardian of the Seas, naked and soaking wet.

The first thought that filled his mind - _she's fucking hot. _

The second? _Oh, shit. _

The next few minutes were spent spitting out apologies faster than Kyogre shooting Hydro Pumps in the presence of Groudon (_ignore the mental imagery, Latios! _screamed his brain), hurtling backwards into the opposing wall, extricating himself from the undignified heap he'd landed in, hastily throwing on a shirt and shorts for the sake of modesty and thinking very, very carefully about the next words he'd say to Lugia.

After all, he was pretty sure that _I see you got your powers back under control _would earn him an Aeroblast to his Life Orbs.

"We'll talk about it later," the female said the moment she stepped out of the bathroom, fully clothes this time. "I know we have to; I promise we will. Just not now, when we're both not nearly close to one-hundred percent."

Unable to think of a better solution, and seeing the logic in her argument, he agreed, slipping into the bathroom to take that much-needed hot shower.

_This day couldn't get much worse, _he thought, when he realized that the Legendary he'd slept with had used up all the hot water. Cold showers perked you up, but they were also downright fucking _uncomfortable_.

The other Legendaries gave him a wide berth at breakfast; with bloodshot eyes and water still dripping from his disheveled blue hair, he resembled some sort of psychotic villain in those B-grade horror movies that Giratina was so fond of. His victims were several slices of bread, a fried egg and a few strips of bacon, the murder weapon a simple fork and knife, and the motive to sate his hunger.

A compelling storyline; it'd definitely draw in the crowds, if you'd asked him about it then.

The chatter of conversation around the breakfast table died down when Latias begun calling for everyone's attention, claiming she had news '_of the utmost importance and significance_' that she wished to divulge.

Latios' sister inhaled, shooting him a glance and a wink that chilled his blood. "As of today, my older brother is no longer a virgin!"

There was a moment of silence, before the Hall erupted into spontaneous applause and cheering. Glasses, fists and shouts of approval filled the air; it was as if the Chosen One himself had walked into the Hall of Origin.

Latios groaned, his face a similar shade of red as his sister's fiery hair.

_Fuck my life._

* * *

_A/N 2: Might turn this into a series, might not. Have a few thoughts on where it can go, but nothing solid. _

_Random Trivia: The mental label for this fic was 'How Latios Lost His Virginity'. _


End file.
